male pattern baldness...

Growing older really sucks as everyone knows. Nothing ever gets better with time except for wine and cheese and these two things just make me look like a lobster or give me gas. So, who's idea was 'wine bar' anyway? Some lactose tolerant, alcohol dehydrogenase blessed Anglo-type person who has it out for less fortunate human beings, namely most Asians. Maybe it was the same asshole who designed the little windows on the kitchen doors. I have always had a theory that those are merely for the viewing pleasure of bored kitchen and waitstaff when an unsuspecting Asian falls prey to the suggestion of the cheese plate to go with their bottle of pinot noir. Not my idea of a good time but maybe watching scarlet, bloated yuppies proves to be some fun. Take a video...maybe it'll go viral.

But to return to the topic of the day, I am lately obsessed with what happening to my hair. I used to sport quite a head-o-hair! In my teens I could just slap a little Dippity-Doo on there and the hair would spike up like a Hells Angels skid lid with full armour. My friends would marvel and touch the moulded helmet of hair. 'Severe tire damage', they would say. Which incidently came in handy as few would dare back their cars up over my head in fear that they'd shred their dad's new Bridgestones. Now, all photos of me from the top reveal a blinding reflective spot in the middle of my scalp. I even considered buying the spraycan solutions, looked into Hair Club for Men, and even tried blonde highlights. The highlights proved to be most successful but even then I looked like a bad '80s backup singer, the mock turtle neck completed this look.

I've often wondered why they call this pattern baldness. Does this mean from above it looks like a spigrograph gone bad? Will aliens mistakenly view my head as some mini-crop circles signifying the next intergalactic takeover? In my case, I'd prefer some rad pattern on my head to noticable void that parts my blacken strands. My father-in-law said that in Japan they call this a 'bar code'. GREAT! Now when the aliens land they can just scan my head for a price check only to find that this model had been discontinued due to lack of attractiveness.

I guess I will just shave my head and get it over with. I just hope that when I do it won't reveal some scary moon scape-like contour. I just imagining some giant flat spot on the apex of my head, maybe with a slight depression in it. You know something like a birdfeeder or birdbath. Wouldn't be all that bad though, at least it's one way to attract birds. I just hope they don't scare the aliens away, I don't think their cruel experiments are completed yet.